My Story

My story is pretty long, but I wanted to share it hoping that it would give those in similar situations a positive outlook on things...

How it happened:
I became pregnant when I was 15 with a guy I was very much in love with. He was my first love - my first everything actually - and I believed he loved me as much as I loved him (although now in retrospect things seem different to me...). We were careful and used protection, but needless to say it did not work. Right away I had a feeling I would be pregnant. The morning after pill was an option, but I could not have it show up on my insurance and it was too expensive otherwise. I was 15 and $100 seemed unattainable. After that, I took many pregnancy tests; the first one stating I was not pregnant (possibly because I took it too soon) but the other 4 said I definitely was. I'd always believed myself to be very pro-life but the option of abortion was in my head. I knew it was an option but I could never go through with it. Even if I wanted one I was only 15 so finding a place that would do it without my parents' consent would be hard. It was just a very hard time trying to figure out what I would do and no one who could help me (my mom or my best friends) knew at this time. Rumors began to spread, but people were interested in the gossip not in helping me find solutions. Thinking back, the future dad didn't even seem that concerned. The only people who could really help me were my parents and I didn't even know how to approach them.

How I told them:
I have always been very close to my mom and told her everything. Sex was something we talked about comfortably as a family and she was always very straight up with me about everything. I'd go out and she'd say "Keep your eyes open and your legs shut", just a funny but serious thing she would always bring up. She also would tell me that if I ever thought about having sex to talk to her so we could go to a doctor together and talk about options. Of course the thing that was talked about in my family was abstinence, and that was what seemed like the only real option to me that would be accepted by my parents. While talking to my parents one afternoon my mom suddenly asked me "Andrea, are you pregnant?!" I was about one month along and definitely planning to tell her soon, but her mother's intuition beat me to it (she'd always had very very strong and accurate intuitions). I looked down and began playing with my fingers and said "I don't know...well, maybe...yea I think." That's when it all began - the questions, the tears, the lectures, the disappointment.

Thinking Back:
I had never expected my life to go that way. I was the "goody-goody", the "teacher's pet", the girl who didn't do anything with her boyfriends. I knew exactly when I wanted to get married, begin having kids, and what I would name them. Before going out with that guy I had promised myself I would wait until I was married. I heard about guys saying "If you loved me you'd do it" and I would laugh thinking anyone could fall for that. Of course I laugh at myself now because I definitely fell for it when it was said to me. I wish I would have been stronger. I was so in love I would do anything not to lose this guy even if it meant going against what I believed to be right. I look back and see how unhealthy the relationship was, but at the time I couldn't have seen it even if I tried.

Looking Forward:
After a week of lectures and questions I got mad. I said to my parents "There's nothing we can do about it now but look at it in the best way we can. We just have to look forward." Thankfully that was the last time we really talked about it in a negative way. My mom began taking me to Babies R Us to look at baby things and my pregnancy went from painful to almost beautiful. When I was two months pregnant the guy broke up with me. He said he just needed time and it was too much for him. He also said that I'd be the girl he'd want to marry but that he needed time. Of course I believed him and didn't put up a fight for him to stay. I said that I understood, hoping that the nicer I was with him the more he'd want to come back. I was so wrong. He was barely around for the pregnancy, finally told his parents when I was six months pregnant, and left me to go to my doctors appointments with only my mom. At least I had my parents' support - that was the most wonderful thing I could have asked for.

Pregnancy, Labor, and Delivery:
My pregnancy was wonderful. No morning sickness, no swelling, I gained exactly the right amount of weight, the baby was healthy, everything was perfect. One morning (at about 4) I woke up feeling I needed to pee. I went and realized it wasn't just pee - my water was slowly breaking as well! (One thing to note is that when your water breaks it's not always movie-like where water splashes EVERYWHERE like a bucket was dumped. For me it was a slow process, it came out little by little.) We called the doctor and I was told to start heading to the hospital but not to rush myself. So I took a shower, shaved my legs, did my make-up and hair, and was finally ready to leave about 6am. I was crazy but didn't want to look bad on one of the most important days of my life :) I had planned from the beginning to give birth with no epidural. When I arrived at the hospital it was about 6:30am and I was 6cm dilated. Only 4 more cm to go and still barely any pain. Soon enough though, the painful contractions began to make themselves present. During one I said, "maybe I do want pain killers!" but when I was checked I was 9 cm dilated meaning that at anytime I'd be ready to push. At around 9:20am I was pushing and at 9:35am on March 18, 2002 my beautiful baby boy was born! The dad was actually there during the labor and delivery feeding me ice chips and talking to me, making me feel as though this was the beginning of a new life for all of us. I knew we probably wouldn't be together, but I thought that at least he would be around for my son.

New Experiences as a Mother:
Motherhood was wonderful but for the first 2 weeks I was a complete zombie. I got 6 hours of sleep during those 14 days and not a minute more. Night time was horrible. Actually, the sky was dark but there was no such thing as night for my baby. I decided to breastfeed so I was the only one who could get up to attend to him. During the day I would be feeding him and I would completely fall asleep. Family members and friends would come and grab him from me and that is how I snuck in those 6 hours. The dad came around a couple times, never came and said "Just go get some sleep" which is what I truly needed, but whatever, at least he hadn't disappeared. At around one month I had my baby on an eating schedule. I was so lucky - he was like a little alarm every 3 then every 4 hours he would be fed and that was it. Soon he began sleeping through the night without a feeding. I was in HEAVEN.

How I Managed:
I was able to go to school almost until when I gave birth. I was having some back pain and unable to really walk much and that was when I began having tutors come to my house. It is called "home bound" which is where my county sent tutors for each one of my classes. The tutors would go to my school, get all my homework and tests, and keep me completely caught up with my classmates. I had these tutors for the 6 weeks after I had my son that I was unable to return back to school. At around the beginning of May I went back to school (my mom helped me out with my son during those hours of school - I didn't want him to go into daycare so little). I would spend my lunch period in the clinic pumping my breast milk so my mom would be able to feed him while I was gone. I was determined to breastfeed because of the incredible benefits. Soon school ended and I was able to dedicate my summer to my son. We had a great time - he grew up quick. When school came back around I was able to take half the amount of classes. I had somehow earned enough credits throughout the couple of years I had been there to graduate with an advanced diploma even without taking a full load my junior year. My mom helped me out in the mornings and I was back home at around 11ish everyday. It worked out perfectly and my son still didn't have to go to a daycare. My senior year was when Bryant started daycare. He was 1 1/2 by this time and adapted very well. Daycare is expensive, but through the Child Care Assistance Program in my county, I was able to pay $7 a week and the county would pay for the rest. We both had a good year, and when school was over I was already planning on moving to PA with him so I could attend Penn State.

What's up with us now:
This is now our fourth year in PA. We make trips to VA every once in a while since most of the people we know live there. There are many programs here to help me with my son as I go to school. First of all, out of state tuition for PSU is (or was a couple of years ago) $28,000. I have to pay around $3,000 because in the Financial Aid application (FAFSA), I do not need to put in my parent's information because I have a dependent child. For this reason, I am able to get a bunch of financial aid (scholarships because of good grades, grants, and student loans). Also, I get some help paying for daycare from Penn State and also a group called "Stand Together". "Stand Together" also offers a place where us single moms can get together with our kids and discuss things we all need to know and so we have a support group of women in our same situation. It is really the most wonderful thing I have encountered out here in PA. I stay busy as a full-time mom and student, and working part-time at an elementary school and my son's daycare. I have managed to make Dean's List all but my first semester (I got a 3.42...I guess I had to get adjusted) and I've gotten a 4.0 a couple of times which helps a lot because more and more scholarships come my way the harder I work. I like it because I have learned to manage and schedule my time in a way that I can still dedicate myself to my son and he knows he is loved and cared for and that whenever he needs me I am there.

Bryant is now 6 and has grown up into the cutest kid. It's hard to believe he is no longer a baby , because to me he always will be. His dad unfortunately is not around. We hear from him once in a blue moon, and see him less than that. There has been a lot of drama between us but I always feel it's time to move past that. It's difficult now because Bryant is very conscious that his dad is not around so we always have to talk about how many people love him and that he doesn't need his dad around to have a complete family. Unfortunately, like for all kids with absent parents, there will always be a hole in his heart where his father should be, and there is nothing I can do about that as much as it hurts me and as hard I try to fill it. I will never deny his father the opportunity to see him or talk to him, I just wish that an effort was made on his part. Luckily we receive child support (which of course never is as much as you need it to be), but I am thankful that we receive something. I have a man in my life now, Travis, who is very important to me and who has been around for almost 5 years - we are now engaged and planning our wedding. He loves us and is so accepting and caring of me and my son. He moved out to PA from VA where all his family and friends are and is now very involved in our lives. When I ask Bryant who his family is he names us three - so I know that he truly feels like we three are a family. I have learned that, no matter what, I have to be the one person who my son can count on. When I ask my baby "Who loves you the most out of everybody?", I love that he can answer "God and my mommy!".

That is basically where I am in this point of my life. I feel that everything has slowly but surely fallen into place and keeps on getting better and better. Although there are times when I feel like everything is too much and I'm constantly saying to myself "OMG I am a MOTHER" everything ends up perfectly. I struggle sometimes because it's not easy, but honestly, I think Bryant is living a wonderful life. My goal is to provide him with the best life any kid could ever have and be able to secure a wonderful future for both of us. That is why I make sacrifices now - because I know that it is for the best in the long run. My life changed completely when I became pregnant. I went from 15 to 30 in no time at all. I don't go out with friends on the weekends here at college, I don't drink and party it up. I'm here with my son on Friday nights enjoying our weekly movie night, and that's ok because this is the life that has been given to me and I enjoy every minute. This is my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.